My Interview with Mrs. Purdle and Mr. Jarbour

Well, maybe you know that Mr. Jarbour is the murdered man, but hey, all the characters need interviews.  Besides, it makes it more interesting this way.  Without further ado, I present Mrs. Purdle and Mr. Jarbour, who have graciously consented to being interviewed. *Applause* :)

The Interview
Me: Did either of you have any premonition of what you were getting involved in when you came to Tittleton House?
Mrs. Purdle: No, I can't really say that I did.
Mr. Jarbour: Premonitions are absurd.  I was only annoyed at being called to the house so rudely at night.  Certain people have no thoughts for the feelings of others.
Me: No thoughts for the feelings of others!  Mr. Jarbour, I am shocked!  You have not been the most feeling of men yourself!  Think of the way you treated so many people.  I visited your workhouses, and they are terrible.  Yet you lived in luxury, and talk about people who have no thoughts for the feelings of others.
Mrs. Purdle: Indeed, sir, you are quite a hypocrite!
Mr. Jarbour: Workhouses make me money, and there is nothing against making an honest wage, now, is there?

Me: Do you enjoy Christmas as a general rule?
Mr. Jarbour: Christmas is a thing for children.  I am much to busy to enjoy it.
Mrs. Purdle: Well, even if it is for children, I still enjoy it.  I make little gifts for all the Tittleton children, and it is such a joy to see how delighted they are.  And so polite!  I do love children, Miss Barrett, indeed, I do.

Me: How do you feel about the account Miss Warbling is writing of the events at Tittleton House during Christmastime?
Mrs. Purdle: Well, Miss Warbling is a sweet girl, but I do not think that she ought to be writing!  Really, the idea of a young lady writing seems rather improper.  Miss Warbling is so fashionable in other respects that I wonder at her undertaking this unladylike pursuit.
Mr. Squeed: I don't care what Miss Warbling does.  If there's any money in it, though, I wouldn't mind helping her out.

Me: Off the top of your head, who would you say is the most likely to have committed the murder?
Mrs. Purdle: Oh, I think that Mr. Squeed has the face of a murderer, he does.  I never trusted him, from the first moment that he stepped inside the house.  I am even surprised that Lady Tittleton let him indoors, for she is usually so particular about who she lets inside.
Mr. Jarbour: You forget, I was the victim.  I know who murdered me.  Should I still tell?
Me: No, you had better not.  Thanks for asking.
Mr. Jarbour: But I do agree with Mrs. Purdle about Mr. Squeed's face.

Me: Do you think that Miss Warbling's story will be more accurate than a newspaper account of the murder?
Mr. Jarbour: I don't even know the lass.  But since she was there, I suppose that she would know what she is talking about.
Mrs. Purdle: Well, now that you ask, I really don't know about Miss Warbling.  She is such a lovely and fashionable lady, but she does have such an imagination.  I think that she might see things differently than they really were.
Me: Funny you should say that.  Everyone else that I have already interviewed thinks the same way.
Mr Jarbour: I wonder if she needs some money?  Fashionable young ladies usually do?
Me: You stay away from Miss Warbling, for she is a particular friend of mine, and possessed of a very large fortune.  Don't even bother trying to lend her any money.

Me: What do you think will happen to the Tittleton family, now that they are ruined in this scandal?
Mr. Jarbour: I would have loved to lend them some more money, but that, unfortunately, is impossible.  I do, however, believe that they will pull themselves out of this mess.  They seem to be fairly resourceful, if slightly foolish.
Mrs. Purdle: They are not foolish at all!  And they are extremely resourceful, Mr. Jarbour, and just the best family that ever did walk the earth.  So, put that in your pipe and smoke it!  I know that they will become rich and respected again, especially Mr. Hugh and Miss Judith.  They are so buoyant!

Me: Do you deserve any special pity for what you went through?
Mr. Jarbour: My dear young lady, I was murdered.
Mrs. Purdle: You know if I deserve pity or not.  That is a very odd question, Miss Barrett.
Me: Yes, I know.  Mr. Squeed and Hugh thought so also.
Mrs. Purdle: I must say, the more I think about it, the more I think that I do deserve pity.
Me: Well, you are probably the one person I would have to say truly does deserve pity.  But I had better not say more, because Miss Warbling does want to make a sensation, and she will not be able to if everyone already knows what is going to happen in her story.
Mr. Jarbour: HER story?  I suppose she is going to give it a dreadful title also.  The Adventures of Miss Warbling, or some other such nonsense.
Me: No, it is called Christmas at the Tittletons.
Mr. Jarbour: Humph, it could at least be called The Tragic Tale of Eli Jarbour.
Me: Really?  Well, too bad it is already set in stone?  Ha, ha.  Ahem.  Well, thank you for answering all these questions.  I'll be seeing you.

Thanks for reading, and God bless,